The Emoji Movie sucks an eggplant emoji.

To the surprise of absolutely fucking nobody, The Emoji Movie has tanked in ratings. Oh, and also to the surprise of nobody, it sucks ass from a straw. 

Some say that they have seen this face during a near death experience. Could this be the face of God himself?

Why would I even bother reviewing this film? Yeah, we all knew it was going to be shit the moment Sony announced it. Yeah, we knew from the trailers it was gonna be horrible. Yeah, we knew this concept could not even be remotely good and was just a quick, terrible cash-in made to scam parents out of their money, because their kids demanded they go see "The Emoji Movie". So why bother? Because it's so fucking horrible that it deserves it!

Now I would go the extra mile and review this using emojis, but I hate them so much that I literally cannot bring myself to use them, even ironically, so this post will contain absolutely no emojis. Wait, except the robot. The robot emoji is cool. 🤖 🤖 🤖

Let me tell you, watching this film in a theater was awkward as hell. I was surrounded by (mostly) little kids. It made me feel like a sexual predator. In addition, I cannot recall anyone laughing at this film at all. Not once. Aside from the movie itself, the entire audience was dead silence the whole way through. Hell, assholes didn't even talk on their cell phones! Either my retarded rants have caught on, or maybe everyone shut off their phones because they didn't want to tell their friends "Yeah, I'm watching The Emoji Movie."

Onto this shit infested film by itself.

The film is mindnumbingly awful. Like, what is there to say? The jokes. Shoving a cactus on your ass would be more soothing than listening to any of the patented "jokes". I put that in quotes because are barely qualify as jokes. In fact, I'm almost certain that the movie writers intended for the jokes in this film to be anti-jokes.

The plot? Have you ever seen a shitty, cheesy "be yourself" movie? Then you've already seen this one. There are absolutely no major surprises and it is predictable from start to finish. 

Wait, why am I even bothering? This movie sucks my dick and that's all you need to know. At least someone found it pleasing, though.

Final rating: 0/10. Don't fucking watch this piece of shit.

In other news, Sony Pictures has announced a new film, planned for 2021, "The Fidget Spinner Movie". (Thankfully this isn't real, but I'm calling it now.)